


"I'm sorry, goodbye."

by AHedgehogNamedMoose



Category: Dan Howell and Phil Lester - Fandom, Phan, dan and phil
Genre: Suicide, both end up dead, sorry - Freeform, super sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 14:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4183716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHedgehogNamedMoose/pseuds/AHedgehogNamedMoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil takes his own life and Dan is heartbroken and unable to handle life without his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I'm sorry, goodbye."

**Author's Note:**

> This is written in kind of a weird different style. I have never really written like this before and this is also not beta-ed, so I don't really know if this is good or understandable at all. I got this idea after visiting my grandfathers grave today and seeing a teenagers grave.

Well, there it is. It’s all over now. One swift motion, movement, moment, and it’s all gone. His grave really is beautiful though.

And he was so young. I didn’t even know anything was wrong. I should have, I should have realized. There were signs. There are always signs. But I was too lost in my own little world to notice that he was suffering so much. He was in so much pain but smiled every day, putting on a brave face while battling demons. Alone.

I should have been there for him. I should have known.

 

Phil’s death was so sudden. No one knew that he was dealing with depression, not even Dan, and he took his life one night. Dan was the one to find his body. He walked into Phil’s room, wondering why he wasn’t up yet when they had anime to watch and found a pale lifeless body laying neatly on the bed with crossed arms and a note that read “I am sorry Dan.”

Dan went off the grid for a few days. He didn’t tell anyone and just hid in his room and cried. He cried for days, refusing to eat or drink, throwing up stomach acid because he had nothing left. He became weak and tired, but not able to sleep because his mind was plagued with the thoughts, the images, of his best friend laying there, so hurt so damaged, and him not even knowing.

Dan blamed himself. He thought that everything was his fault because how could he be that stupid. No one could be as happy as Phil. It wasn’t possible. Everything was fake.

Dan refused to answer his phone for six days. On the seventh, he sent out a message to the first person he could think of, Connor Franta, that said two simple words. Phil’s dead.

Word got around pretty quickly. His phone was filled with calls, tweets, messages, and texts from YouTubers that the both of them knew, but everyone seemed to keep quite. No fans knew what had happened.

It had been ten days and Dan’s eyes were in a constant state of red. He felt numb at this point, not really sad anymore. He could feel anything. He had a few people unwelcomely barge in and force him to take care of himself, making sure he ate and drank, and forcing him to sleep. He refused to talk to anyone, just constantly staring at Phil’s door, expecting, more like dreaming, hoping, praying, that it would open and everything would be okay.

But every day that it didn’t happen, it got harder and harder for him. He went from sadness to numb to depression. He stopped eating again and cried more. His world was gone and he was never going to get it back.

The night before the funeral, Dan decided to make a video explaining what happened. He didn’t do his hair or clean his room. He didn’t care anymore. He felt like people deserved to know what happened and he was the one to do it. He talked about how no one knew that Phil was suffering, not even him. He started out by just stating the facts about what happened, rather emotionlessly. But as the video went on, he started to say how he blames himself. How he should have been able to stop it.

He started crying but didn’t stop talking. It hurt so much. He felt like his heart was on fire and it would never stop. It felt empty and torn apart. He wanted it to end. He needed it to end.

He ended the video by saying I’m sorry, goodbye.

 

Dan didn’t look up as everyone left, kneeling down at his best friend’s grave. No one bothered him, knowing that he needed this time. His grave really was beautiful though. It was upright and had all the things Phil loved, a Pokeball, a lion, friendship written in Japanese, things of that sort. It was made of white marble, pure as Phil.

_Forever in hearts_. He would have hated that. It’s so cliché and over used. But Dan couldn’t think of anything else. What to write on your best friends grave stone isn’t something that someone should have to do.

Dan wept. He cried after everyone left, staying so strong for the entire service. But now he was alone with his best friend and he couldn’t handle it anymore. The pain was too much for him. His knees where wet from the freshly watered lawn and he his hands where dirty from pulling grass out of frustration.

He knew what he had to do, how to be with Phil again. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a bottle of pills, sleeping pills, the same ones Phil used, and swallowed the rest of the bottle. His sobs could be heard everywhere and he just curled up in the fetal position and cried, waiting for the drugs to take him away. Letting him be with his best friend one more time.

As his world started going black, he heard someone walk over and whisper no, then it getting louder and louder as they ran toward his dying body. Dan knew that this would be hard. It would be hard for his friends and family, and even their fans. But that video would be going up in about fifteen minutes and everything would be explained. Everyone would know.

The last thing Dan saw was Connor falling to his side, sobbing, and holding him against his chest.

“I’m coming Phil.”


End file.
